Celebrating 25 years of motherhood, day 14 - identity.

 Day14, identity and grandparents. 

As first generation immigrant parents, living thousands of miles away from our families, one of our biggest regrets will always be the absence of strong bonds with grandparents. And it was not due to the lack of effort but purely by the circumstances beyond our control. Surely, we visited them, and they visited us, but the children never formed a bond with their grandparents, they were not part of their lives. 

Initially, the grandparents were not too happy as we did not adhere to any specific religious traditions. According to them, we should be following some type of religious traditions, we needed to promote a sense of cultural identity in our children.

Yet, our hearts were never fully invested in any particular religion. I grew up as catholic while my husband is Hindu. There was no middle ground, there would be no compromises which would appease either side of the family. So, we made the difficult decision to forgo religious traditions altogether, choosing instead to teach them moral values (which are basically the same regardless of the religion) and the importance of distinguishing right from wrong.

Then there was always the language barrier. Though we spoke Hindi at home, English became the children’s primary language when they started going to school. The grandparents, unable to communicate fluently in English always struggled to connect with them on a deeper level.

And we also lived in two different times zones, literally day and night apart, it was difficult to have a meaningful conversation. Twenty years ago, there was no face time, no video calling. 

I go down this rabbit hole of guilt a lot, questioning whether I deprived my children of the grandparental bonds. Would things be different? May be, maybe not. Once again, I must allow myself the grace and say that I did the best I could.

While our children may not have had the opportunity to form strong bonds with their grandparents, they have been raised in an environment where they are free to explore and choose their own path, they are not burdened by any societal expectations. 

In the end, we can only hope that our children will carry with them the values of love, empathy, acceptance and kindness that we have tried our best to teach; regardless of the environment or circumstances they may encounter along the way. And hope that they will embrace their uniqueness and will someday find their sense of belonging.

 “Lets teach our kids to be interested in other cultures. In having conversations with people who are different. Lets teach our kids to be socially aware and to stand up for injustice.” Never empty nest