Day14, identity and grandparents.
As first generation immigrant parents, living thousands of
miles away from our families, one of our biggest regrets will always be the absence
of strong bonds with grandparents. And it was not due to the lack of effort but
purely by the circumstances beyond our control. Surely, we visited them, and
they visited us, but the children never formed a bond with their grandparents, they were not part of their
lives.
Initially, the grandparents were not too happy as we did not
adhere to any specific religious traditions. According to them, we should be
following some type of religious traditions, we needed to promote a sense of cultural identity in our
children.
Yet, our hearts were never fully invested in any particular
religion. I grew up as catholic while my husband is Hindu. There was no middle
ground, there would be no compromises which would appease either side of the
family. So, we made the difficult decision to forgo religious traditions
altogether, choosing instead to teach them moral values (which are basically
the same regardless of the religion) and the importance of distinguishing right
from wrong.
Then there was always the language barrier. Though we spoke Hindi at home, English became the children’s primary language when they started going to school. The grandparents, unable to communicate fluently in English always struggled to connect with them on a deeper level.
And we also lived in two different times zones, literally day and night apart, it was difficult to have a meaningful conversation. Twenty years ago, there was no face time, no video calling.
I go down this rabbit hole of guilt a lot, questioning
whether I deprived my children of the grandparental bonds. Would things be
different? May be, maybe not. Once again, I must allow myself the grace and say
that I did the best I could.
While our children may not have had the opportunity to form
strong bonds with their grandparents, they have been raised in an environment
where they are free to explore and choose their own path, they are not burdened by any societal expectations.
In the end, we can only hope that our children will carry
with them the values of love, empathy, acceptance and kindness that we have tried our best to teach; regardless of the environment or circumstances they may
encounter along the way. And hope that they will embrace their uniqueness and
will someday find their sense of belonging.
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