Rekha's Ramblings

 Day 25- Unconditional Love. I cannot believe I have been a mom for 25 years.  In retrospect, they went by quickly. At the time, they would not grow fast enough.  At the end of it all, there were more ups than there were downs.  Sure, I lost it many times, I said harsh words, and I wanted to flee from it all but I stayed.  I couldn't hold all three of them at the same time, one child always got left out. My arms were not big and long enough. No way I was a perfect mom, I strived to be one, I felt guilty, I doubted myself.  I made mistakes, I apologized, I hugged them, I cried with them, and I stayed. I was always present.  They knew they could count on my being there, for the good, the bad and the ugly. I gave them my 100 percent.  Both my husband and I grew up in a culture where the parents always sacrificed their happiness for their children, we saw our parents do it and we did the same. The two of us never did anything for ourselves, it was alw...

  Day 24, siblings.  I am blessed for I have three siblings who are my best friends.  As a parent, that is what one wishes, that their children will always have a good relationship with each other, that they will have the best sibling bond.  Please read my post in case you missed it .  https://www.rekhasrambling.com/2024/03/international-day-of-happiness.html They see me talking to my siblings 3-4 times a week in three different time zones and hope that they too will be each other’s best friends.  Often, I find myself telling them that they need not look too far to find friends, they have ready-made friends at home. My siblings are one of my biggest blessings and I hope that my children too will consider each other their best friends and will always be there for each other. “ sibling relationships are strange. I would give you a kidney but you aren’t borrowing my charger.” - unknown

  Day 23, figuring it out.  Not all days were happy days. There were failures, there were heart breaks, FOMO’s.  The children have suffered several personal losses in recent years, loss of friends in fatal accidents, death by suicide, gun violence. They had to learn how to be there for each other, for their friends, and be resilient.  Some losses were personal. Having to lose your friend of 10 years just before he hit his sixteenth birthday, outside of your school, how does one get over that? But they had to. How do you console a friend who lost a loved one to suicide? They had to figure that one out.   They also had to figure out that when it came to friendship, no one was too busy, it was just a matter of priority. As parents, it is heartbreaking to watch them suffer but it is their journey. All we can do is offer our unconditional love and support through this. But I do find myself telling them to not ever sacrifice their happiness for others, not even f...

Day 22, mistakes .  As a parent, one of the most valuable lessons I've tried my best to teach my children is the importance of owning up to mistakes. I've always believed that no one is perfect and it’s okay to mess up. After all, we're only human, and making mistakes is how one learns. But what truly matters is what we do after we make those mistakes. Do we blame others, completely deny that we messed up or are we courageous enough to own the mistake and apologize for them. Sorry is a five-letter word but saying it takes courage, it does not come easy. But I also found myself telling them that they need not apologize for things beyond their control. Shit happens all the time. Accept that life is unpredictable and learn to adapt, change, learn. At the end of it all, it is not about pretending but rather embracing the fact that we are not perfect. " When you look back at your life, don't think about all the mistakes you have made. Just look at how far you ha...

Day 20, safety. This year and today marks 25 th anniversary of the columbine high school shooting.  My first born was only a few days old when we saw the drama unfold on TV. My dad was visiting us at the time. That was the first time he had heard of mass school shootings.  As new parents, we were afraid, we could not see that far into the future. But we were hopeful. This is the United States of America, the number one country in the world. How can this be? It is just one time thing.   But alas! We were wrong. They kept happening. Each time they were given a name, everyone talked about them until it was the next one. Each time you held your children tight close to your heart.   Nothing has changed. This is one thing that has caused me many sleepless nights and continues to do so. My first born is twenty-five years old. We now live in the times where moms of dark-skinned boys have to a have a talk with their sons before they leave the house. My children are...

Day 16 - Little things.  Over the years, when the world kept throwing chaos at us, I found myself teaching the children to Learn to appreciate little things, be it the beauty of flowers, the escape in a good book, a simple walk in the neighborhood or the comfort of a familiar TV show.  Finding joy in simple and little things!! My 2 year old niece recently visited me, she had this soft toy named "Toodle" which she carried around everywhere, her little thing.  My little thing always has been reading, that is my solace. I enjoyed reading to my children when they were little, that was our thing. As they grew older, our shared moments evolved. We found a certain fascination for the TV show, “The West Wing.” Every now and then, when we are unable to decide on what to watch, we go back and watch our favorite episode, ‘the celestial navigation.' And as much as I treasure our little things, I am equally happy to see my children find their own little things that bring them happi...

  Day 10, the dialogue .  Warning - Sensitive content, trigger alert.   In the era of smart phones, having communications skills has become important even if it is in the form of a simple text. I have always encouraged them to check on others. It became even more important during the pandemic when we were socially isolated .   I know several people who have died by suicide, and I have made it my mission to talk about it, if I can help save at least one life. Not too long ago, a friend of children's was going through a rough patch, she had suffered a great personal loss. I had to ask the children to check on her, invite her home, offer help, be there. They did. They later confided in me that their kindness had saved their friend’s life. They had first hand witnessed the power of communication.  I am very vocal when it comes to talking about suicide, death in general. In our culture, talking about death or dying is a taboo. My husband and I are health care pr...

 Day 7 of celebrating motherhood.  It is ok to say NO if you do not want to do it. I hope the children saw me, heard me say NO. Both my husband and I were brought up in a culture where sacrifice was considered noble, a virtue. Saying "NO" to parents, family meant you were being selfish. The culture dictated to put everyone else’s happiness before yours. You sacrificed to avoid hurting others' feelings.  Culturally, as a daughter-in-law, I was expected to follow patterns, traditions, rituals whether my heart was in it or not, whether I enjoyed doing those things or performing those duties or not. There were a few times when I did follow a few things for the sake of and for the happiness of others as my duty, for parents, in-laws but it never brought me any happiness and it caused me more anguish. It was clear that sacrificing my own happiness merely for the sake of tradition or cultural norms was futile, it was neither making me happy nor them.   Finally, decided to...

 Day 6 , the LOOK. Every now and then, someone comes up and says to me that they admire the fact that I have broken some of the patterns or they comment on our children being polite, kind, respectful.  So, when I find myself doubting about myself, I think about all these people and their comments, and I pat myself on the back. It is a gentle reminder that despite the challenges, I did something right. It is a nice feeling to be recognized by someone. My children are my pride, joy, and happiness. When it came to household chores, I did my share plus husband’s so that he could spend more time with them, with us. His job dictates a demanding schedule, long hours, shift work, nights, weekends. So, while he did that one job which paid our bills, I did many; they went unnoticed as nobody paid me. I managed our household with an iron fist, there was no room for error.  I was never a "cool mom", but I was "gets it all done, makes it happen mom". We had a strict schedule a...

Day 5, the never ending dilemma of what's for dinner!!   Cooking or figuring out what is for dinner has never been my forte, I considered that my major flaw. I have never enjoyed cooking. It was always more of a chore, do it and get it over with.  Though I came from a background where cooking was almost always a woman’s job, I did not learn to cook until I moved here. Mom was always there to figure out dinners, it was not my worry. When I became a mom, it was assumed that I too would in turn love to cook because I am a woman and a mom. I hated being in the kitchen more because of this gender bias than anything else. But I was the default parent, and it was my job. Husband worked crazy hours and long shifts, so he ever making anything or even figuring out what was going to be for dinner was out of the question. In fact, I always packed lunch or dinner for him depending upon what shift he was working, I still do.  In my case, there was no escaping the kitchen. I ...

  As a mom and the default parent, I often used to find myself going into the guilt rabbit hole, wondering if I had done enough, if I could have done better. For years, I found myself entangled in those thoughts of “ could haves and should haves .” I would go down that spiral of self-criticism, how my mistakes had impacted on them, how I had failed on so many levels; it was never ending. But as time went on, I began to realize something, despite all the should haves' and could haves', my children had thrived. They are healthy, all three of them pursuing higher education, and most importantly, they are kind-hearted individuals who care about the environment and everyone in it. Very recently, it dawned on me that perhaps, just perhaps, I had done a better job than I gave myself credit for. For so long, I had held onto this idea that I was falling short as a mother, a parent and that I had not done enough. But contrary to my belief, I could not have done a better job. Now,...

This year, I am celebrating 25 years of being a mom, mommy. I started looking back at the journey, sort of reflecting on how I got here. And some of the things I discovered while looking back were pleasant , some not so.  There were so many expectations of me, as a mother, from me and from others; some I met, some I could not or did not want to. There are some things I would keep the same and some I would change if I could. At the end of the day though, it was a good journey, I love my three children who have had a hand in making me a better, a more informed person if you will than I used to be.  The teachings were mutual; I may have taught them a few things, but I have learnt a great deal from them as well. Anyways, these are my ramblings spread over next 25 days, my own way of a celebrating my milestone. This is not about offering advice, rather about sharing stories, as a mom, as an immigrant first generation mom.  Disclaimer – My husband was very much a part of our ch...