Rekha's Ramblings

 Day 25- Unconditional Love. I cannot believe I have been a mom for 25 years.  In retrospect, they went by quickly. At the time, they would not grow fast enough.  At the end of it all, there were more ups than there were downs.  Sure, I lost it many times, I said harsh words, and I wanted to flee from it all but I stayed.  I couldn't hold all three of them at the same time, one child always got left out. My arms were not big and long enough. No way I was a perfect mom, I strived to be one, I felt guilty, I doubted myself.  I made mistakes, I apologized, I hugged them, I cried with them, and I stayed. I was always present.  They knew they could count on my being there, for the good, the bad and the ugly. I gave them my 100 percent.  Both my husband and I grew up in a culture where the parents always sacrificed their happiness for their children, we saw our parents do it and we did the same. The two of us never did anything for ourselves, it was alw...

 Day 24, siblings.  I am blessed for I have three siblings who are my best friends.  As a parent, that is what one wishes, that their children will always have a good relationship with each other, that they will have the best sibling bond.  Please read my post in case you missed it .  https://www.rekhasrambling.com/2024/03/international-day-of-happiness.html They see me talking to my siblings 3-4 times a week in three different time zones and hope that they too will be each other’s best friends.  Often, I find myself telling them that they need not look too far to find friends, they have ready-made friends at home. My siblings are one of my biggest blessings and I hope that my children too will consider each other their best friends and will always be there for each other. “sibling relationships are strange. I would give you a kidney but you aren’t borrowing my charger.” - unknown

 Day 23, figuring it out.  Not all days were happy days. There were failures, there were heart breaks, FOMO’s.  The children have suffered several personal losses in recent years, loss of friends in fatal accidents, death by suicide, gun violence. They had to learn how to be there for each other, for their friends, and be resilient.  Some losses were personal. Having to lose your friend of 10 years just before he hit his sixteenth birthday, outside of your school, how does one get over that? But they had to. How do you console a friend who lost a loved one to suicide? They had to figure that one out.   They also had to figure out that when it came to friendship, no one was too busy, it was just a matter of priority. As parents, it is heartbreaking to watch them suffer but it is their journey. All we can do is offer our unconditional love and support through this. But I do find myself telling them to not ever sacrifice their happiness for others, not even fo...

Day 22, mistakes.  As a parent, one of the most valuable lessons I've tried my best to teach my children is the importance of owning up to mistakes. I've always believed that no one is perfect and it’s okay to mess up. After all, we're only human, and making mistakes is how one learns. But what truly matters is what we do after we make those mistakes. Do we blame others, completely deny that we messed up or are we courageous enough to own the mistake and apologize for them. Sorry is a five-letter word but saying it takes courage, it does not come easy. But I also found myself telling them that they need not apologize for things beyond their control. Shit happens all the time. Accept that life is unpredictable and learn to adapt, change, learn. At the end of it all, it is not about pretending but rather embracing the fact that we are not perfect. "When you look back at your life, don't think about all the mistakes you have made. Just look at how far you have...

Day 21, friendship.  One of the most complicated things about parenting is being there for your children navigating the complexities of their lives, finding friends. That is one of the things I have struggled with, I still do. My siblings were and are my best friends . However we live in three different times zones and thousands of miles away from each other. Finding other friends did not come easy; I did not fit any molds. I often felt like an outsider at social events. But  now I do have a small circle.  When it came to finding friends, I had to tell them to choose quality not quantity. There is a lot of give and take, it does not work one way. I had to tell this to myself before I was teaching them. Friendship is an investment, you must try, you must be there just like you want them to be there. It is not about keeping score.  It is  about being there, in good times and bad. All of us are still learning, it is a work in progress. So, to anyone out there who...

Day 20, safety. This year and today marks 25 th anniversary of the columbine high school shooting.  My first born was only a few days old when we saw the drama unfold on TV. My dad was visiting us at the time. That was the first time he had heard of mass school shootings.  As new parents, we were afraid, we could not see that far into the future. But we were hopeful. This is the United States of America, the number one country in the world. How can this be? It is just one time thing.   But alas! We were wrong. They kept happening. Each time they were given a name, everyone talked about them until it was the next one. Each time you held your children tight close to your heart.   Nothing has changed. This is one thing that has caused me many sleepless nights and continues to do so. My first born is twenty-five years old. We now live in the times where moms of dark-skinned boys have to a have a talk with their sons before they leave the house. My children are...

Day 19 , Music  We did not grow up here in the US and wanted to make sure that the children had the opportunity to try different things we did not have access to or the resources when we were growing up.  After having decided sports were not going to be our thing, we turned towards music. All three of our children took an instant liking to the piano and they learnt a few other instruments through the school band program.  As a matter of fact, playing on the piano is their stress buster. When they are home, they spend hours playing on the piano and I never get tired of hearing them. They feel the house with music. That is one of the things we did right. It brings me enormous joy and the thing I miss the most after becoming empty nesters.   All three of my children were in school band for all four years and the younger ones have continued at their university. We couldn't be any more proud.  What about you? Are you a sports family or a music? Dear music, thank...

 Day 18 , Values. As I reflect back on my journey of motherhood, I cannot but think of my parents, two of the kindest souls I know. Though they were physically thousands of miles apart, I felt their presence daily in the values I was teaching my children. Growing up, they often used to tell us, "In a world where you can be anything, be kind. No acts of kindness are ever wasted."  I hope we practiced the same and the children saw us being kind to people around us.  But in pursuit of being great parents, we had forgotten  to extend the same courtesy to each other, as parents of our children. We were not kind to ourselves. We were racing to the finish line. The children did not see us being kind to each other.  Sadly, it took a global pandemic for us to reflect and value our priorities.   As horrible as the pandemic was, it allowed us to pause and regroup. It allowed us to not only be kind to each other but others around us. Amidst the chaos, we found a n...

Day 17, legacy.  One of the greatest inheritances I have received from my father is his love for reading and I wanted to pass it along to my children.  Studies have shown that reading for as little as 6 minutes can reduce stress by 68 %. But I did not need any studies to prove those facts. Reading has always been my solace.  As a child, I always had my head buried in a book. Reading was not just a hobby, books were my sanctuary, my imaginary getaways, they took me to places beyond my imagination.  However, nobody read to me as a child. It was not something parents did when and where I lived at the time.  After I became a parent for the first time, I wanted to read to my child.  I grew up in India and the books I had read were in my native language. They were not available at our local library. But the library had its own children’s book section. I discovered all kinds of children’s books and different authors there, Dr Suess and Eric Carl being a few of the...

Day 16 - Little things.  Over the years, when the world kept throwing chaos at us, I found myself teaching the children to Learn to appreciate little things, be it the beauty of flowers, the escape in a good book, a simple walk in the neighborhood or the comfort of a familiar TV show.  Finding joy in simple and little things!! My 2 year old niece recently visited me, she had this soft toy named "Toodle" which she carried around everywhere, her little thing.  My little thing always has been reading, that is my solace. I enjoyed reading to my children when they were little, that was our thing. As they grew older, our shared moments evolved. We found a certain fascination for the TV show, “The West Wing.” Every now and then, when we are unable to decide on what to watch, we go back and watch our favorite episode, ‘the celestial navigation.' And as much as I treasure our little things, I am equally happy to see my children find their own little things that bring them happin...

Day 15, Thanksgiving and gratitude.  We do not celebrate any holidays except for Thanksgiving, and it is for one thing only, to reflect on the blessings and to express gratitude.  One must be grateful to know that we have enough, there is always someone worse than we are. And we are grateful for everything.  While our journey has had more ups than downs, we know that those "ups" did not happen by themselves. Along the way, we were supported by neighbors, colleagues, friends, and sometimes even strangers who have extended a helping hand when we needed it most. Thanksgiving gives us that opportunity to feel grateful and to acknowledge the countless individuals who have played a role in shaping our journey. And mind you, Thanksgiving is not about food (if you read my earlier post about cooking, you will know that I do not like cooking) but I do my best to put the American style food on the table.  Here is that link in case you missed it earlier.  https://www.rekh...

 Day14, identity and grandparents.  As first generation immigrant parents, living thousands of miles away from our families, one of our biggest regrets will always be the absence of strong bonds with grandparents. And it was not due to the lack of effort but purely by the circumstances beyond our control. Surely, we visited them, and they visited us, but the children never formed a bond with their grandparents, they were not part of their lives.  Initially, the grandparents were not too happy as we did not adhere to any specific religious traditions. According to them, we should be following some type of religious traditions, we needed to promote a sense of cultural identity in our children. Yet, our hearts were never fully invested in any particular religion. I grew up as catholic while my husband is Hindu. There was no middle ground, there would be no compromises which would appease either side of the family. So, we made the difficult decision to forgo religious tra...

 Day 13, the healer In a world where being busy with extracurricular activities and organized sports is  considered a norm, my husband and I did not feel compelled to follow those.  Our children were not involved in any sports. They had dabbled at a few sports here and there, but we realized early on that sports  was not going to be our thing. I myself was never athletic and didn't see any point in hauling the twins everywhere for that sport the first born was not even interested in. I came to that conclusion after signing up the first born for soccer through our local park and rec department, I did drag everyone there three times a week for a season or two before realizing the reality.  The younger ones tried their hand at tennis for a couple of years and gave up. So much for playing any sports.    But that meant while everyone else was busy running around, our evenings and weekends were free. When they were little, I often took them to a playgro...

Day 12-  self help. One thing I am currently working on; I was crippled with the disease of punctuality; showing up on time, sometimes before. I call it a "disease" because that is what it was, it had completely overtaken my sanity. Being late was unacceptable. I took pride in showing up on time, sometimes even before and I expected nothing less from my children.   Neither I nor my children have ever been late for anything. They never missed the school bus because they were late. I often dragged them to parties or social events where we would be the only ones present for hours before anyone else appeared.  It was during these moments of waiting, of feeling out of place and overwhelmed, that I began to question the importance I placed on punctuality, the stress and anxiety that accompanied my relentless pursuit of perfection. What I once considered a gift ended up being a flaw. Getting three children ready and reaching a social event on time was totally not worth the anx...

Day 11, ask and you shall receive.  Another one of the things I often repeated to my children was to never give up without a fight. Here I would like to quote one of my favorite TV characters, Harvey Specter; he said, "when you are backed against a wall, you break that goddamn thing down.”  Just reading these words, they might appear as a one liner but such a powerful message hidden in this one line. You just don't stand there and go down. You give it all you got, you break that wall if you need to, you ask for help but you never give up without giving your best.  As a mother of three children,  when I was pushed against the proverbial wall, I sought help from neighbors, colleagues and I have firsthand witnessed the power of asking for and then receiving that help. So, to answer the question often posed to me, do I have a favorite quote? Yes, I do. "Ask and you shall receive." It is a reminder to never underestimate the power of persistence, to never give up withou...

 Day 10, the dialogue.  Warning - Sensitive content, trigger alert.   In the era of smart phones, having communications skills has become important even if it is in the form of a simple text. I have always encouraged them to check on others. It became even more important during the pandemic when we were socially isolated .   I know several people who have died by suicide, and I have made it my mission to talk about it, if I can help save at least one life. Not too long ago, a friend of children's was going through a rough patch, she had suffered a great personal loss. I had to ask the children to check on her, invite her home, offer help, be there. They did. They later confided in me that their kindness had saved their friend’s life. They had first hand witnessed the power of communication.  I am very vocal when it comes to talking about suicide, death in general. In our culture, talking about death or dying is a taboo. My husband and I are health care prof...

 Day 9, be teachable.  “Be teachable, you are not always right.” I do not know who said this, but I lived by this mantra. Nobody is perfect and neither was I.   We are first generation immigrant parents. We did not go to school here in the US and hence had to learn a lot of things for the first time as adults when our first born started going to school.  There was no Google at our fingertips then. One had to ask and have an actual conversation with real people. I found no shame in admitting to the things I did not know and finding out the answers. To give you an example, we did not know anything about how high school curriculum worked here in the US, school sports, after school activities, marching band.  Before I knew it, I had completely immersed myself in understanding the education system and all the things that came with it and soon I was handling everything like a pro. I had become  so  well versed in the nuances of the marching band season ...

Day 8, letting go of traditions. Husband and I grew up in different parts of India and cutting cakes, birthday parties was not our tradition. We never had any birthday parties, it was not something we did and it was not something we felt like we had missed  out on or had given much thought to.  But now that we lived in the USA and here celebrating birthdays was a big thing, we celebrated a few of their birthdays, embracing the new life here and it's traditions. However, the whole birthday party thing did not resonate with us. I am not a party planner. I did plan a few birthday parties for my children but when they were old enough, they themselves said they did not want them.  Gift-giving was another tradition that did not quite align with our family values. While our children did receive gifts when they were younger, for birthdays and for Christmas, they understood the significance of their blessings and the love we showered upon them throughout the year. Yet, despite...

 Day 7 of celebrating motherhood.  It is ok to say NO if you do not want to do it. I hope the children saw me, heard me say NO. Both my husband and I were brought up in a culture where sacrifice was considered noble, a virtue. Saying "NO" to parents, family meant you were being selfish. The culture dictated to put everyone else’s happiness before yours. You sacrificed to avoid hurting others' feelings.  Culturally, as a daughter-in-law, I was expected to follow patterns, traditions, rituals whether my heart was in it or not, whether I enjoyed doing those things or performing those duties or not. There were a few times when I did follow a few things for the sake of and for the happiness of others as my duty, for parents, in-laws but it never brought me any happiness and it caused me more anguish. It was clear that sacrificing my own happiness merely for the sake of tradition or cultural norms was futile, it was neither making me happy nor them.   Finally, decided to...

 Day 6 , the LOOK. Every now and then, someone comes up and says to me that they admire the fact that I have broken some of the patterns or they comment on our children being polite, kind, respectful.  So, when I find myself doubting about myself, I think about all these people and their comments, and I pat myself on the back. It is a gentle reminder that despite the challenges, I did something right. It is a nice feeling to be recognized by someone. My children are my pride, joy, and happiness. When it came to household chores, I did my share plus husband’s so that he could spend more time with them, with us. His job dictates a demanding schedule, long hours, shift work, nights, weekends. So, while he did that one job which paid our bills, I did many; they went unnoticed as nobody paid me. I managed our household with an iron fist, there was no room for error.  I was never a "cool mom", but I was "gets it all done, makes it happen mom". We had a strict schedule a...

Day 5, the never ending dilemma of what's for dinner!!   Cooking or figuring out what is for dinner has never been my forte, I considered that my major flaw. I have never enjoyed cooking. It was always more of a chore, do it and get it over with.  Though I came from a background where cooking was almost always a woman’s job, I did not learn to cook until I moved here. Mom was always there to figure out dinners, it was not my worry. When I became a mom, it was assumed that I too would in turn love to cook because I am a woman and a mom. I hated being in the kitchen more because of this gender bias than anything else. But I was the default parent, and it was my job. Husband worked crazy hours and long shifts, so he ever making anything or even figuring out what was going to be for dinner was out of the question. In fact, I always packed lunch or dinner for him depending upon what shift he was working, I still do.  In my case, there was no escaping the kitchen. I ...

Although our family physically lived thousands of miles away from us, we were expected to follow certain societal norms when it came to parenting. Breaking free from those patterns was not easy. It called for enormous courage.  We were raised in a world of “musts" and "shoulds"; Parenting had to be done in a certain way, the way it had been done for hundreds of years.  To go away from that pattern involved too many “what ifs.” It was an act of bravery. It was not as simple as it looked.  We were no longer living in a world where we were raised. Things were different here and even here they were changing daily. When it came to raising our children, we were united, we were going to do our thing. We did not necessarily follow any pattern or traditions when it came to raising our children but the expectations of following those traditions, culture and two different religions weighed heavily on us.  I was courageous to break some of those patterns, but when it came to sel...

 As a mom and the default parent, I often used to find myself going into the guilt rabbit hole, wondering if I had done enough, if I could have done better. For years, I found myself entangled in those thoughts of “could haves and should haves.” I would go down that spiral of self-criticism, how my mistakes had impacted on them, how I had failed on so many levels; it was never ending. But as time went on, I began to realize something, despite all the should haves' and could haves', my children had thrived. They are healthy, all three of them pursuing higher education, and most importantly, they are kind-hearted individuals who care about the environment and everyone in it. Very recently, it dawned on me that perhaps, just perhaps, I had done a better job than I gave myself credit for. For so long, I had held onto this idea that I was falling short as a mother, a parent and that I had not done enough. But contrary to my belief, I could not have done a better job. Now, I ...