When Do We Stop as Parents?
Last week, I was traveling. As we were boarding the plane, I overheard a mother asking her teenage son to give her his backpack so she could put it in the overhead bin. Her reasoning was simple: if the backpack went overhead, he would have more legroom under the seat in front of him.
He refused.
She asked him again. And again. And maybe a third or fourth time, her voice getting increasingly frustrated. But he continued to refuse.
I couldn't help but think about something that happened in our own family a few months ago.
We were in almost the exact same situation. My husband was having the same conversation with our grown son. At first, our son politely declined. But when my husband kept asking, my son finally said, “These are my legs, and I'm fine having my backpack under the seat.”
And there it was.
A boundary.
My son wasn't being disrespectful. He wasn't arguing. He simply made a decision about his own comfort and stood by it.
My husband, however, was so upset by the exchange that he didn't speak to our son for two days.
And I've thought about that moment many times since.
As parents, we spend years making decisions for our children. We tell them when to eat, when to sleep, what to wear, where to go, what to do, and sometimes even what we think is best for them. We do it because we love them. Because we worry. Because we have more experience. Because, for so many years, we really do know better.
But at some point, that changes.
Our children grow up. They become adults. They develop their own preferences, opinions, and ways of doing things. And sometimes, those choices are not the choices we would make.
So, when do we stop?
When do we stop insisting?
When do we stop offering the same advice after they've already said no?
When do we recognize that they heard us, considered what we said, and simply chose differently?
I understand the mother's instinct on that plane. I understand my husband's instinct, too. We often think we're helping. Sometimes we probably are.
But perhaps parenting isn't only about knowing when to speak.
Maybe it's also about knowing when to stop speaking.
Because there comes a point when our job isn't to make the decision for them anymore. It's to trust that we've raised them well enough to make their own.
And maybe the hardest part of parenting grown children is learning that respecting their boundaries doesn't mean we agree with their choices. It means we respect that the choice is theirs.
Have you ever had to remind yourself , they heard me, it's their choice now?
What has been the hardest part of learning to let go??? Have you found the balance?
Comments