Yesterday I came across a post by one of my Facebook friends, ‘Vibrantly you growth and leadership’ asking their readers, “how often do you take time to truly reflect on your journey?”
It took me back to a
blog I had written almost a decade ago, in my forties and how I have changed
over the years.
I have always loved to reflect, to ponder, about things, geo political events, people, where we are going as humans. I am always reflecting when I am driving, when I am sitting in the parking lot or even when I am home. My personality back then was that I usually blurted things out, good or bad, no filter. While I was reading my own thoughts which I wrote in my forties, I came to a realization, I am no longer that person, the person who struggled but tried her best to fit in.
I grew up in a household
with an abundance of love, where I was seen and heard, where I was allowed to have an opinion and voice. But when I was thrown
out in the real world, in a foreign land, by myself, I was lost. I couldn't do all those things. There were societal constraints. I missed my
siblings who were the only friends I had until then and now they were thousands
of miles away from me. I took pride in being
honest and sincerely believed that people appreciated my straightforwardness. They
told me that they appreciated my candid opinion but they didn’t. I
fell for them, took them for their face value. I mostly
understand black or white, I don’t understand gray, I can’t read between the
lines. It was fine until I didn’t say anything about them, to their face.
Now I am in my fifties. I had read that fifties is where you
are liberated from all the bull shit you were fed growing up. I can relate, I
feel liberated. The societal constraints and expectations are no longer holding
me back. Now, I neither try to fit in, impose myself where my presence is not
appreciated nor go around offering my unsolicited opinions. Partly because I don’t
socialize that much and partly because I have started enjoying my own company, rediscovering
myself and doing things I love. Plus, now I have other outlets to express
myself. Now I say what I want to say here, in my blog, on Facebook.
Looking back, I see how far I have come, from wanting to be
accepted, be seen, and heard, often costing me my peace, and sending me into
the rabbit hole of self-doubts. And as I reflect, I am grateful for all my
experiences, the lessons, the mistakes which have allowed me to be the person I
am today. I love this newfound me. Shading the need for external validation has
been the best thing I did for myself. I love the new ME.
Honestly though, every now and then I miss my old self, the fiery,
outspoken me. The fire hasn’t died, it lives in my soul, I learnt to channel it
elsewhere. I will however leave you with the same thought that I did then, every
time I see a reflection of something, I pause and enjoy it for at least “it
"appears as is. There is nothing fake about that reflection. My ramblings
on this Thursday.
Attached here is the blog from several years ago.
https://www.rekhasrambling.com/2015/12/reflections.html
Here is a picture of a blue sky and white fluffy clouds and their reflection, simply beautiful, nothing fake about it.
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