This post is inspired by the show “Queen charlotte.” It is streaming on Netflix, a Bridgerton story. I finished watching it this week. She reminded me of “ME” in many ways. I was not born a princess, but I grew up in a joint family in India where I was treated as the princess of my household, an apple of my families’ eyes. We were not rich, but we had an abundance of love and happiness. There was always someone there to turn to, someone always watching over me, someone always talk to.
Fast forward, I moved to the USA for my job. When our first child was born, we had no external support from the family. However my husband was preparing for his exams, and he became the "stay home dad" cum “the default parent” while I worked full time. All of that changed right after the twins were born. Our roles had to be reversed. Husband got into a residency program. Things were finally moving into the right direction for him. The twins brought him luck.
Luckily, it was in the same
city as we were living in at that time, and we did not have to move. But it
also meant, as an intern, he would be gone for hours, sometimes for more than
36 hours at a time, he would not be available at a moment’s notice if necessary.
The children needed at least one parent as a default parent, one who would be
available at a moment’s notice. I had to pick, I couldn’t do it all.
I chose to be the “the default parent, “, the one who would be present, one who would be available at a moment’s notice, for doctor appointments, for school meetings, for play dates, or for whatever was needed. I was handed the undaunting task of raising three children, mostly on my own. I had never failed at anything before, and I dare not fail at this one. That is when, it became “you and me “them and me,” “me and them,” our theme. And just like Queen Charlotte, I had to figure it all out on my own, without any support from family. And just like Queen Charlotte being consumed about the wellbeing of her husband, I became possessed by my children, their safety, their wellbeing, their nurturing, and nourishing.
I did not quit my job altogether but cut it down to 2 days a
week. Even then, those two days would be extremely struggling, to get one ready
for the bus for an elementary school and get the twins ready and drop off/pick
up from the daycare while working a part time job in a nursing home and
juggling all the household chores without any help. If one were sick, I had to
take both of them to the doctor as there would not be anyone to watch the
other. There were times when both of them were sick at the same time, one time
they had vomited so much that I ran out of clean sheets, I had to borrow them
from my neighbor at the time. There were many times when they would be crying
and I would be crying, it was “them and me.”
Amid all this though, I somehow found the time to read to
them, each night, something all of us looked forward to and enjoyed. I also
made it a point to take pictures, lots of them. The first year of their lives
was extremely challenging, it was backbreaking, but there were a lot of glimmers
as well. I got to spend a lot of time with my babies which I did not get to do
with the first born. By the time they started walking, I had mastered our
theme, “Me and them, them and me.” We
were a team. I ran a tight ship.
As far as the career went, there was not any to be had. My
husband still works crazy hours, night shifts, weekends. I had barely kept a
foot in the door, only worked when they were at school and would always be at
home when they were home, the default parent. I volunteered a lot at school, I
made friends there. Being the default parent was the full-time job. Thirty
years ago, no one who knew me would have ever imagined such a sudden life change.
I graduated as a valedictorian of my high school class. And here I was, a full-time
default parent. I changed my predictable story and it's not over yet.
I have no regrets
though. I made the decision that was the right one for us at that time. I chose
family. Things did get better once they started going to school but by then I had
started loving my new role, that of a full-time parent. May be, I was never a
career woman. I could not do it all.
As far as being a Princess goes, I still am, a Princess of
my parents’ household. Their unconditional love and support were my pillars of
strength even if they were from a distance. These are my ramblings on a Friday
inspired by Queen Charlotte on this international women’s day.
This post is dedicated to the thousands of ME who could not do
it all, who had to choose and who once used to be Princesses.
Happy International Women's Day to all of you warrior
Princesses.
Happy international Women's day to all the women who wanted to choose but couldn't.
Them and Me Me and Them.
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