Building Friendships.

 I was talking to someone the other day; they are new on our block where friendships are already formed. The community is small, it is hard to get a breakthrough. They were asking me how I did it. I seem to have a lot of friends. How did I get that breakthrough?

I have had a unique journey when it comes to friendship and being a part of a circle. 

First, I am a very straightforward person and what I say is not always pleasant, in fact, most times it is offensive and hurtful to someone who does not know me. 

Secondly, I am blessed by three siblings who to this date are my best friends and hence, I did not have the need to have more friends beyond them until I went to college. My college class size was extremely small, and friendships were formed automatically. 

But as life progressed, when I moved away to the USA, every day was a new challenge. It became even more difficult when I became a parent. Balancing work, being a parent to three children (including a set of twins) was already strenuous. 

Then I let my full-time job go and with that whatever little friendship I had formed with my colleagues was also gone. 

Shortly after, we moved to a whole new state, a new place where friendships were already formed, circles were already established. No matter how hard I tried, I could not break through. I made efforts to organize playdates for my kids, trying to find friends for myself along with them but they often left me feeling drained and unrewarded. I spent many weekends crying at home because I was not invited.

After several months of trying, I realized I had to change something. My expectation that others should include me in every aspect of their lives did not necessarily work for them. I realized that the kind of relationship I had with my siblings was not going to work to make new connections. The newfound people were strangers, not bound to cater to my needs. I realized that there is a lot of give and take, I could not just keep asking, I had to give some as well. It took time and many trials and errors for me to understand that building friendships was a two-way street. All of us had good intentions, but they were not enough. I had to take some action. If they were nice to me, including me in something, I would have to reciprocate. I tried to be present, I was ok to be not invited to everything. If I wanted to socialize, I had to pick up the phone, I had to initiate that conversation or plan that friend date. My husband and I became an active part of the community. We got involved, initiated conversations, planned outings, community gatherings. And when we did, they came. If I asked, I received. We realized that friendship was just like any other relationship; it took time and commitment. Plus, not everyone you meet is going to end up being your friend. 

It took me a long while to know that I had to be someone’s friend first to have friends. I never knew that because of my older siblings, they were always there, they still are. With age, our priorities have changed, the things I used to crave have also changed. There is no room for bull shit, drama. We have reached that level of friendship where we do not have to call each other daily. Whenever we meet, we have a good laugh, we share our stories, we encourage each other, and that is what it is all about.

Building friendships is a unique journey and just like any relationship, it takes time, a lot of effort, and the willingness to learn, especially to form adult friendships, in a new place where you do not know anyone. All the above was my journey. You could have had a whole different experience than mine. 

But, if you are going through that rough period, remember my two cents; be that person, pick up that phone, show up, extend that invitation. Reach out to several people. I am sure at least one of them will reciprocate. Someone once said," Sometimes the good things are not happening to you is because you are the good thing that needs to happen to other people. "My ramblings for this Thursday when the 30-day gratitude challenge is "friendship". Please let me know in the comments how was your journey, share your experiences . I would love to read about them.

Pictured here are my siblings and me.