Banff National Park - The trigger!

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 When my children were in school, we always went somewhere during their summer break. We would look forward to that trip all year, that getaway, spending quality time as family.  It had become our tradition.  In 2019 summer, we had planned to go to Banff national park in Canada. They said it was one of the most beautiful places on Earth.

To those of you who do not know me, I live in the US now but grew up in India and my family lives in India. I used to call my mom almost daily, if not every other day. Since I lived thousands of miles away, that was the least I could do. Since we were going to Canada and the phone network might be spotty, I called her the night before to tell her about our travel plans and to not to wait for my calls for the next eight days.

She did not answer the phone, instead my sister did. She said mom had fallen and broken her leg that morning and she was in tremendous pain and in the hospital. My heart sank. My mom had suffered from Rheumatoid Arthritis for years, for decades, she was always in pain. My sister could not give me any more details. Our flight was early the next morning. She said to continue with the plans.

Our bags were packed, and all the travel arrangements were in place. I however was tormented with decisions, whether I should cancel the trip and go to India to see my mom or go on our trip as planned. Cried and stayed up all night.

The next morning, I called my sister.

This time, I got to talk to my mom. They had put her leg in a cast and though she was in pain, they had given her some medication to relieve the pain. As always, she put on a happy and brave face and reassured me that she would be fine, not to cancel the trip, the children deserved it and to have a good time. She told me to take pictures, lots of them. (My mother loved pictures, I always made photo albums for her of every photo I had printed before everything could be shared digitally)

We ended up going on our trip as planned. Banff national park, like everyone said, was indeed one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen. However, my mom being in pain was constantly on my mind. I had to pretend to be happy for my children just like she had put on a happy face for me. I was torn between being a daughter and a mother; there she was, my mother, suffering and here I was, a mother to my children and having a good time. The more beautiful things I saw, the more guilty and helpless I felt. Husband and children tried their best to make me happy, offering to take my photos knowing how much I loved those. I took a lot of pictures knowing she would love to see them. The beautiful scenery was a solace during the day but when we returned to the hotel room, I would lose it. The thought of her being in more pain than she already had been was simply unbearable. Both my husband and I are healthcare professionals and felt completely helpless. We could not do anything to ease her pain.

(Indian mindset is that of suffering, no pain no gain. They do not hand out pain medication like they do here in the USA.)

During this trip, I hiked and walked the most I had in my entire life until then.

My mother passed away shortly after. But She did see my pictures  and she was happy that we went. Though I did get a chance to see her and as beautiful as those photos are from Banff national park, they are a painful reminder of a time when my heart was torn, broken.

Several years later, we had to put on a happy face again, our young nephew passed away in a tragic accident. And less than a year after his death, my sister-in-law passed away. Each time, we walked and hiked more than the last time, hikes of more difficult levels than we had ever hiked. I forgot about my fear of heights. They say that physical pain sometimes replaces mental pain, anguish. May be that was our effort of replacing one pain with another.

This week, because I liked someone’s photo from Banff NP, my feed is now that of BNP. And though they are beautiful, they stir a lot of emotions. I too am in possession of some of the most beautiful photos, however whenever I open that album, and I do from time to time as they are some of  my most beautiful photos, my mind can't help but wander to my mom and her suffering. My mind still talks to her and my heart cries, but my soul knows she is finally pain free. She loved seeing my pictures. She could not go anywhere. Even now, every time I click that camera button, I mentally share that photo with my mom knowing how much she would have loved seeing them. I miss her every single day.

Grief, grieving ; I never knew how difficult it would be until I was in it. The most beautiful place on Earth ended up being my trigger. When someone asks me out of all the places I have visited, if there is one I would want to revisit and I say yes, to BNP. I would like to revisit it. What about you? Have you lost a dear one? How did you or how are you coping with the loss? Ramblings on this Friday. 

“The death of a parent is an incalculable blow, lasting blow. Because no one ever loves you like that again. -Brenda Ueland

Pictures are some of the most beautiful lakes we saw, Lake Louise, Moraine, Emerald and Peyto.









One of my children caught this poignant reminder.





I was very close to my mom, she was my pillar, even from a distance. You can read about it here 

<https://www.rekhasrambling.com/2023/08/ramblings-of-daughter.html>




 

       

 

 

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